The Human Intimacy Podcast

Sex After Betrayal: Navigating Sexuality, Safety, and Connection (Episode #118)

Sex After Betrayal: Navigating Sexuality, Safety, and Connection
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaelis explore one of the most confusing and emotionally charged topics couples face after betrayal: sexuality after discovery. Why do some couples stop having sex entirely while others become more sexual after betrayal? What does it mean if a betrayed partner still desires intimacy? And how do couples navigate sexuality in ways that are emotionally safe and healthy?
Together, they discuss the impact betrayal has on sexual desire, emotional bonding, pornography, hypersexuality, shame, and the confusion many individuals feel surrounding intimacy after discovery. The conversation introduces the concept of “sexual self-mastery” and emphasizes the importance of awareness, communication, emotional safety, and intentionality in rebuilding intimacy. This episode offers compassionate guidance for individuals and couples trying to better understand their sexuality, emotions, and relationship dynamics during recovery and healing.
Resources Mentioned
The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes
Sensate-focused therapy concepts
Sexual self-mastery
Emotional regulation and communication skills
Pornography and relational intimacy research
HumanIntimacy.com

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About the Affair? Understanding Rumination, Triggers, and Healing After Betrayal (Episode #117)

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About the Affair? Understanding Rumination, Triggers, and Healing After Betrayal
In this important episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most common and painful questions after betrayal: “Why can’t I stop thinking about it?”
Together, they unpack the neuroscience and emotional reality behind rumination, intrusive thoughts, PTSD responses, triggers, and nervous system dysregulation after sexual betrayal and affairs. The conversation helps both betrayed and betraying partners understand why the mind and body struggle to “move on,” even when logic says the relationship may be improving.
Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn discuss how betrayal disrupts safety, attachment, and reality itself, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling emotionally flooded, hypervigilant, and stuck in repetitive thoughts. They also explain how healing requires more than simply stopping behaviors—it involves nervous system regulation, emotional attunement, compassion, consistency, and deeper relational repair.
Listeners will also learn practical tools for responding to triggers, including grounding exercises, journaling, movement-based trauma release, self-attunement, parts work, emotional regulation, and therapeutic approaches such as EMDR and ART.
This episode offers hope, validation, and practical guidance for anyone struggling with intrusive thoughts after betrayal trauma.
Key Topics Covered
Why betrayed partners experience rumination and intrusive thoughts
PTSD and betrayal trauma responses
The difference between logical understanding and nervous system safety
Why triggers continue even after behavior stops
Emotional flooding and nervous system dysregulation
How betraying partners can respond in healing ways
Self-compassion and trauma recovery
Tools for emotional regulation and trauma release
Parts work and self-attunement
EMDR, ART, and trauma-informed healing approaches
Recovery capital and building support systems
Resources Mentioned
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
Brené Brown – research on exhaustion and uncertainty
Jill Bolte Taylor – emotional processing concepts
Calming the Emotional Storm by Sheri Van Dijk
EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy)
Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges
Internal Parts Work / Self-Attunement Approaches
Recovery Capital framework
Human Intimacy Podcast episode on Empathy vs. Compassion
Upcoming Course
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) — 12 Week Course
Join Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis for the upcoming Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) course beginning May 7th.
The course is designed to help couples heal from betrayal trauma through a structured process focused on:
Safety
Emotional regulation
Accountability
How to measure and create relational repair
Compassion
Rebuilding intimacy
Learn More & Register:
The Intimacy Repair Method (12-Week Online Course)
 

Crucial Moments: How Couples Can Navigate Triggers Without Destroying Connection (Episode #116)

Crucial Moments: How Couples Can Navigate Triggers Without Destroying Connection
Episode Overview
What happens when a trigger hits in your relationship—and everything escalates?
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis break down what they call “crucial moments”—those intense emotional experiences where couples either move toward healing or fall back into painful patterns.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in the same argument, feeling unheard, or overwhelmed by emotional reactions, this episode will help you understand why those patterns happen—and how to change them.
Why Triggers Feel So Overwhelming
When a trigger hits, your brain shifts into survival mode. The amygdala activates, your nervous system becomes dysregulated, and your ability to communicate effectively drops.
This is why:
Conversations escalate quickly
You repeat the same arguments
You feel misunderstood or dismissed
Your partner becomes defensive or shuts down
Key Insight:You cannot create connection when your body is in a fight-or-flight state.
The Missing Step in Relationship Repair
Most couples try to fix the relationship while they’re emotionally flooded.
Dr. Skinner emphasizes a critical principle:
Stabilize yourself first. Then engage your partner.
Without emotional regulation, even the best communication tools won’t work.
Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict
Many couples unknowingly reinforce disconnection during triggers. Watch for these patterns:
1. Marathon Conversations
Trying to resolve everything in one conversation while both partners are overwhelmed
2. Defensiveness Disguised as Empathy
Statements like:
“I didn’t mean to hurt you”
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
These often feel minimizing instead of supportive
3. Relying Only on Your Partner for Regulation
Expecting your partner to calm you down when they may also be triggered
4. Repeating the Same Cycle
Having the same argument over and over without new tools or awareness
How to Respond in Triggered Moments (What Actually Works)
1. Pause and Regulate
Before responding, ask yourself:
Am I emotionally stable right now?
Is my body calm enough to have this conversation?
If not, step away and regulate first.
2. Use Outside Support
Sometimes your partner is not the right person in that moment to help you regulate.
Consider:
A trusted friend
A support group
A mentor or sponsor
This can help you return to the conversation with clarity.
3. Shift from Reactivity to Curiosity
Instead of reacting, try:
“Help me understand what you’re experiencing”
“Tell me more about what you’re feeling”
This lowers defensiveness and builds connection.
4. Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Response
Your emotions are valid—but how you express them matters.
Healthy communication includes:
Emotional honesty
Self-awareness
Respectful expression
Understanding the Power Struggle in Relationships
After betrayal or disconnection, couples often fall into power imbalances:
One partner holds information or control
The other feels uncertain, hurt, or reactive
True healing requires moving away from:
“One-up / one-down” dynamics
And toward:
Mutual honesty, vulnerability, and accountability
Why Some Couples Stay Stuck for Years
If you feel like you’re not making progress, it’s often due to:
Incomplete or staggered disclosure
Lack of emotional regulation skills
Repeating patterns without addressing root issues
Avoiding deeper vulnerability
Key Insight:Without new skills, the same patterns will continue—no matter how much you talk.
A Better Way Forward
Healing doesn’t come from saying more—it comes from learning how to show up differently.
That includes:
Regulating your nervous system
Communicating with clarity and compassion
Practicing new patterns consistently
Building emotional safety over time
Key Takeaways
You cannot be relational when you are emotionally dysregulated
Personal stabilization is the foundation of relationship repair
Triggers require skillful responses, not reactive ones
Both partners play a role in creating change
Progress comes from practice, not just insight
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) Course
Emotional Regulation & Nervous System Awareness
Structured Disclosure Process
Role Play Practice for Communication Skills
Call to Action
If your relationship feels stuck in repetitive conflict, you don’t have to keep guessing.
The Intimacy Repair Method Course provides a step-by-step process to help couples:
Rebuild trust
Improve communication
Create lasting emotional connection
📩 Have questions or topics you’d like us to cover?Email: info@humanintimacy.com
 

How Do You Know You’re Making Progress After Betrayal? Understanding Safety, Awareness, and Real Change (Episode #115)

How Do You Know You’re Making Progress After Betrayal? Understanding Safety, Awareness, and Real Change
In this episode of The Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn explore one of the most common—and emotionally loaded—questions couples ask after betrayal: *“How do we know if we’re actually making progress?”*
Healing doesn’t follow a straight line. Many couples feel stuck in a painful cycle of “two steps forward, three steps back,” leaving them wondering if anything is truly changing. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn break down what real progress looks like—not through checklists or surface behaviors, but through a deeper, more meaningful shift: **perceived relational safety**.
They discuss how the body plays a central role in detecting safety through what is often called a “gut feeling,” drawing on concepts like neuroception from Stephen Porges. Listeners will learn why healing requires more than logical reassurance—and why the nervous system must begin to *feel* safe before true connection can return.
Through a powerful role-play, they demonstrate the difference between reactive, defensive conversations and regulated, productive ones. This real-life example highlights how self-awareness, emotional regulation, and vulnerability can transform conflict into connection.
They also address:
Why some betrayed partners struggle to trust even when their partner is “doing everything right”
The impact of shock versus gradual awareness in discovery
How deception can distort one’s internal sense of safety
Why stabilization must come before meaningful repair
How consistency—not perfection—builds trust over time
Ultimately, progress is not measured by the absence of conflict, but by how couples navigate it. When both partners develop awareness of their internal experiences and learn to communicate those experiences safely, healing becomes not only possible—but measurable.
If you’ve ever questioned whether your relationship is moving forward, this episode offers clarity, validation, and a roadmap for what real progress actually looks like.
Key Resources & Mentions
The Intimacy Repair Method (IRM)  A structured approach to healing after betrayal, focusing on safety, stabilization, and rebuilding connection.
Perceived Relational Safety Scale (PRSS)  A practical assessment tool to help individuals and couples measure how safe they feel in the relationship and track progress over time.
Polyvagal Theory & Neuroception – Polyvagal Theory  Developed by Stephen Porges, this framework explains how the nervous system detects safety or threat and influences connection and emotional regulation.
HumanIntimacy.com
  Access courses, assessments, and resources to support healing and relationship repair.
12-Week Intimacy Repair Course 
A guided program with role-plays, assessments, and step-by-step instruction to help couples rebuild trust and connection.
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Key Takeaway
Progress isn’t about doing everything perfectly—it’s about creating consistent, safe, and honest interactions where both partners can begin to feel, not just think, that change is happening.

Introducing the Intimacy Repair Method: A New Path to Healing, Connection, and Lasting Change (Episode #114)

Introducing the Intimacy Repair Method: A New Path to Healing, Connection, and Lasting Change
What if the reason your relationship feels stuck isn’t a lack of effort—but a lack of a clear model for connection?
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner (LMFT-S) and MaryAnne Michaelis, LCSW introduce the Intimacy Repair Method (IRM)—a comprehensive, research-informed framework designed to help individuals and couples rebuild trust, improve communication, and create deeper emotional connection.
Drawing from decades of clinical experience and integrating leading models like Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Polyvagal Theory, Dr. Skinner explains why most people were never taught how to build healthy relationships—and how that gap continues to impact us today.
You’ll learn:
Why most people rate their relationship models growing up below a 5 out of 10
The foundational role of safety in all meaningful connection
How generational patterns shape communication, conflict, and intimacy
The phases of the Intimacy Repair Method, including assessment, stabilization, and relational repair
Why understanding your nervous system responses is key to transforming conflict
How personalized assessments can guide real, measurable change in your relationship
Whether you’ve experienced betrayal, feel disconnected, or simply want a stronger relationship, this episode offers a clear roadmap forward.
Resources Mentioned
Core Resources
Human Intimacy Website (Course + Registration):https://www.humanintimacy.com
Upcoming Course:Intimacy Repair Method – 12-Week Live Webinar Experience
Start Date: May 7, 2026
Includes:
Personalized relationship assessments
Weekly live Q&A sessions
Role-play practice scenarios
Ongoing access to recordings and materials
Key Concepts & Models Referenced
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) – A structured pathway for relational healing and growth
Perceived Relational Safety – Feeling emotionally safe, open, and secure in your relationship
Polyvagal Theory – Understanding how your nervous system drives connection, conflict, and safety
Gottman Method – Research-based insights on communication and conflict patterns
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – Attachment-based approach to strengthening emotional bonds
Zeigarnik Effect – How unresolved issues keep relationships stuck
Differentiation – Developing a strong sense of self while staying connected in relationships
Assessments Mentioned
Self-Assessment (Individual Awareness)
“Test Your Relationship” Assessment
Provides up to 90 pages of personalized feedback
Identifies strengths, breakdowns, and actionable next steps
Key Takeaway
Most people aren’t failing in relationships because they don’t care—they’re struggling because they were never shown how to succeed. The Intimacy Repair Method offers a clear, structured way to learn what works—and finally create the connection you’ve been looking for.
 

Hope After Betrayal: Is Healing Your Relationship Still Possible? (Episode #113)

 Hope After Betrayal: Is Healing Your Relationship Still Possible?
After betrayal, many couples quietly wonder: Is there any real hope for us?
In this powerful episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore what hope actually looks like in the aftermath of sexual betrayal—and why so many people struggle to find it.
Drawing from decades of clinical experience, they discuss the reality behind discouraging statistics, the isolation many betrayed partners feel, and why healing often requires more than just good intentions. They introduce a critical shift: hope is not built through words alone, but through new patterns, emotional regulation, and learning how to stay present in the hardest moments.
You’ll also hear:
Why many couples stay stuck in repeating emotional “loops”
How shame and defensiveness block true repair
The danger of trying to heal in isolation—or relying on the wrong sources
What actually creates change: principles, skills, and consistent application
Why healing is possible—even if the relationship doesn’t survive
Whether you’re fighting for your relationship or trying to rebuild your life after it, this episode offers a grounded, honest message:
👉 Hope is real—but it’s built through learning, practice, and connection.

The Courage to Heal: Facing Pain, Shame, and Change Together (Episode #112)

The Courage to Heal: Facing Pain, Shame, and Change Together
Episode Summary
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaelis explore the many forms of courage required in the healing process—both individually and as a couple.
Courage is not just about staying in a relationship after betrayal. It’s about facing pain, telling the truth, asking for help, and being willing to see yourself clearly. It’s the courage to slow down when emotions are overwhelming, to remain present in difficult conversations, and to confront shame rather than avoid it.
Dr. Skinner and Marianne highlight how healing is not just emotional—it is deeply biological. When individuals feel shame or fear, their nervous system becomes activated, making it difficult to stay grounded and connected. True courage, then, is learning how to regulate those internal responses so that meaningful repair can happen.
Through powerful metaphors—including riding through dark tunnels, wearing the wrong “lens,” and learning to ride a backwards bike—they illustrate how healing requires patience, intentionality, and repeated effort. Change often feels unnatural at first, but with practice, new patterns can emerge.
Ultimately, this episode invites listeners to reflect on one essential question:
Where do I need courage right now?
Healing is not about perfection—it’s about continuing forward, even when the path is unclear.
 
Key Takeaways
Healing from betrayal requires multiple forms of courage—not just endurance, but self-awareness and vulnerability
Shame is both emotional and physiological; regulation must come before meaningful connection
Slowing down is sometimes more courageous than pushing forward
Change feels unnatural at first—like using your non-dominant hand or riding a backwards bike
Progress happens through repetition, curiosity, and compassionate self-reflection
Each person’s pace is different—comparison can disrupt healing
Resources & References
Human Intimacy Resources
Human Intimacy Website (Courses & Conference Access):https://www.humanintimacy.com
2026 Human Intimacy Conference (Recordings Available):Available under “Courses” after creating a free account
Contact for Questions:info@humanintimacy.com
Concepts & Influences Mentioned
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) – Dr. Kevin Skinner
Polyvagal Theory – Dr. Stephen Porges
Shame & Vulnerability Research – Brené Brown
Interpersonal Neurobiology – Dr. Dan Siegel
EMDR & Trauma Processing Models
Suggested Viewing
The Backwards Brain Bicycle (Learning & Change):A powerful illustration of how difficult it is to rewire learned patterns
Reflection Questions for Listeners
Where in my life do I need courage right now?
What am I avoiding because it feels uncomfortable or overwhelming?
When I feel triggered or flooded, how do I typically respond?
What would it look like to slow down instead of react?
Where have I already demonstrated courage in my healing journey?

Understanding Your Pain: How Childhood Experiences Shape Your Life and Relationships (Episode #111)

Understanding Your Pain:
How Childhood Experiences Shape Your Life and Relationships
Episode Summary
In this deeply honest and meaningful conversation, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaels explore one of the most important—and often avoided—topics in healing: personal pain.
Whether that pain feels overwhelming and present, or buried and difficult to access, it plays a powerful role in shaping how we think, feel, and connect with others. In this episode, we examine how early life experiences—especially Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)—can influence emotional health, physical well-being, and relationship patterns later in life.
Dr. Skinner shares both clinical insights and personal experiences to illustrate how unresolved pain can remain stored in the body for years, quietly influencing behavior and perception. Together, we discuss why some experiences are difficult to recall, how trauma impacts the brain and nervous system, and why having a safe, supportive environment is essential for healing.
This episode also offers hope. Through the concept of Benevolent Childhood Experiences (BCEs), we explore how even one positive, supportive relationship can shift outcomes and foster resilience. Healing is possible—and it often begins with awareness, compassion, and a willingness to gently explore your story.
If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure why certain patterns keep repeating, this episode is an invitation to better understand yourself—and to take the next step toward healing.
🔗 Resources Mentioned
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) AssessmentA 10-item framework for understanding early life adversity and its long-term impact.
Benevolent Childhood Experiences (BCEs)A complementary framework highlighting the protective power of positive early relationships.
The Deepest Well by Nadine Burke HarrisExplores how childhood adversity impacts lifelong health and how healing is possible.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der KolkA foundational resource on how trauma is stored in the body and approaches to healing.
Trauma-Informed Modalities Mentioned
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
Somatic-based approaches to trauma recovery
Continue the Conversation
If this topic resonates with you, we invite you to explore more through the Human Intimacy community:
Watch sessions from our recent conference:Human Intimacy Conference (Past Event Highlights & Resources)
Learn more about courses, assessments, and tools for healing and connection:HumanIntimacy.com
💬 Closing Invitation
Your story matters.And while it may feel difficult to look at the past, understanding your experiences can become one of the most powerful steps toward freedom, healing, and deeper connection.
If you feel overwhelmed, we encourage you to seek support from a qualified professional. You don’t have to do this work alone.

Grieving the Unseen Loss: Understanding Grief After Betrayal (Episode #110)

Grieving the Unseen Loss:
Understanding Grief After Betrayal
Summary
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis reflect on the powerful insights emerging from the 2026 Human Intimacy Conference, with a particular focus on grief following sexual betrayal. While much of the field has emphasized trauma and post-traumatic stress, this conversation highlights a critical gap: the profound and often unaddressed grief experienced by both betrayed and betraying partners.
Drawing from early data on the Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale, MaryAnn shares a striking finding—the most significant loss reported is not just the relationship, but the loss of self, including identity, trust in oneself, and a coherent sense of reality. The discussion explores how betrayal creates a “collapsed self,” alters one’s perception of a partner, and leads to ongoing grief that can persist for decades.
The episode introduces emerging frameworks for understanding betrayal-related grief, including stages of emotional shock, internal conflict, withdrawal, rage, and eventual reclamation. Dr. Skinner and Marianne emphasize that grief is not a single event but a long-term process, often unfolding over years as individuals grieve not only what happened, but what could have been.
A key theme is the importance of giving grief a voice in safe relationships. Healing is accelerated when individuals are witnessed, validated, and supported—whether by a partner, therapist, or trusted connection. Without this, grief often becomes prolonged and isolating.
The conversation also raises important clinical and societal implications, including the need for better training, expanded research, and more effective support systems—particularly in faith communities, where many individuals report feeling misunderstood or unsupported.
Ultimately, this episode reframes betrayal recovery by integrating grief as a central component of healing, calling for a more compassionate, relational, and research-informed approach to addressing the deep emotional losses that accompany betrayal.
Click here to take the Grief After Betrayal Impact Scale
References
(Note: These are foundational and aligned with concepts discussed in the episode—ideal for podcast notes and future academic integration.)
Jennifer J. Freyd (1996). Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Harvard University Press.
Judith Herman (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
Susan Anderson (2010). The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Berkley Books.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving. Scribner.
William Worden (2009). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. Springer Publishing.
Bessel van der Kolk (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Viking.
Stephen W. Porges (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. Norton.
John Bowlby (1980). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 3 – Loss. Basic Books.
Pauline Boss (1999). Ambiguous Loss. Harvard University Press.
Kenneth J. Doka (1989). Disenfranchised Grief. Lexington Books.
 

When Recovery Means Different Things to Each Partner (Episode #109)

When Recovery Means
Different Things to Each Partner
Summary:
One of the most difficult aspects of healing after betrayal is that both partners may believe they are working toward recovery, yet they may have very different ideas about what healing actually looks like.
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner is joined by MaryAnn Michaels and Geoff Steurer to explore why couples often struggle to align their expectations during the recovery process. While both partners may want the relationship to improve, the impact of betrayal trauma, personal histories, and emotional needs can create very different timelines and definitions of what recovery means.
The conversation explores the early stages of recovery, when many couples are simply trying to stabilize after the shock of discovery. Dr. Skinner, MaryAnn, and Geoff discuss why healing is rarely a straight path and how grief, emotional processing, and honest conversations play an essential role in rebuilding trust.
They also explore a common challenge in recovery: when one partner feels they are doing everything they can to repair the relationship, yet the other partner still does not feel safe or connected. Rather than focusing on checklists or expectations, the discussion emphasizes the importance of curiosity, deep listening, and emotional presence.
Another important topic addressed is the difference in timing when couples begin considering physical or sexual reconnection. Geoff shares insights from his work with couples and introduces the concept of “Not Yet,” highlighting the importance of patience, safety, and open dialogue when partners are not emotionally ready at the same time.
Ultimately, healing after betrayal requires more than stopping harmful behaviors. It involves rebuilding emotional safety, learning to communicate vulnerably, and continually checking in with each other as the relationship evolves. As the conversation highlights, recovery is not a single event but an ongoing process of deeper understanding, connection, and growth.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode:
Geoff Steurer – From Crisis to Connection PodcastGeoff Steurer – Courageous Together Couples Program
Dr. Kevin Skinner – Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach to Recovery
Dr. Sue Johnson – Love Sense
John Gottman – Love Maps
Brené Brown – Research and teachings on vulnerability, safety, and self-trust
Human Intimacy Conference
Geoff Steurer will be presenting at the 2nd Annual Human Intimacy Conference, held March 13–14, 2026, where he will speak on the topic “Not Yet,” focusing on how couples can thoughtfully and safely navigate sexual reconnection after betrayal.
To learn more or register for the conference, visit:bit.ly/humanintimacy
Use the Coupon Code: 30off
New Sponsorship
If you or someone you love is looking for a place to begin the healing journey, you can learn more at BeginAgainInstitute.com.
We’re grateful to Begin Again Institute for supporting the Human Intimacy Podcast.