The Human Intimacy Podcast

Making Love and Other Non-Sexual Activities: Creating Connection in Every Relationship (Episode #41)

Making Love and Other Non-Sexual Activities:
Creating Connection in Every Relationship
In episode 41 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis redefine the concept of "making love," shifting it from a purely sexual context to an intentional act of creating connection and care in all relationships. Through personal stories, client experiences, and research insights, they explore how love is a choice and an action, emphasizing the importance of authenticity, psychological safety, and intentionality.  
The discussion delves into the challenges of showing love after betrayal or during conflict and highlights practical tools for fostering connection, such as attuned communication, externalizing problems, and practicing presence. They also discuss the barriers that prevent love, including fear, resentment, and lack of safety, while encouraging listeners to reflect on their ability to make love by creating a nurturing environment.  
Key takeaways include the importance of tone and body language in communication, the role of self-awareness in showing up authentically, and the need for self-care and external support during difficult times. The episode concludes with an inspiring invitation to “go make love” in all its forms, from small acts of kindness to moments of deep connection.
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Resources Discussed:
1. Barbara Fredrickson’s Book, Love 2.0  
   - Explores the concept of love as a momentary connection rather than a fixed state, emphasizing micro-moments of positivity and connection.
2. Dan Siegel’s Work on Feeling “Felt” 
   - Focuses on how attuned communication helps individuals feel deeply understood and validated in relationships.
3. Still Face Experiment by Dr. Edward Tronick  
   - A study highlighting the impact of nonverbal communication and emotional attunement on connection and attachment.
 
4. The Intimacy Pyramid (Dr. Skinner’s Version)  
   - A framework for understanding different levels of intimacy, starting with psychological safety and moving through emotional, verbal, intellectual, and sexual connection.
5. Brett Williams Book, You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married 
   - Encourages couples to focus on collaboration rather than defensiveness, offering practical advice for fostering connection.
6. Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach  
   - Encourages individuals to reflect on how their demeanor and actions impact relationships, posing the question, “Do you make it easy for people to love you?”
7. Eye Contact Meditation  
   - A couples exercise focusing on deep, intentional eye contact to foster intimacy and connection.
8. Support from Trusted Relationships  
   - The importance of turning to trusted friends, family, or therapists to process emotions and find words before engaging in difficult conversations with a partner.
By integrating these insights and tools into your daily life, you listeners can learn to make love a choice and a practice, fostering stronger, more authentic relationships.

Preparing for the Holidays: Connection, Self-Care, and Healthy Boundaries (Podcast #40)

Preparing for the Holidays:
Connection, Self-Care, and Healthy Boundaries
In episode 40 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore how to prepare mentally and emotionally for the holiday season. They discuss the importance of connecting with loved ones, setting healthy boundaries, and taking steps to manage common holiday stressors. The hosts offer practical strategies for navigating challenging family dynamics, such as visualizing interactions and setting personal boundaries. They also emphasize the importance of nutrition and routine in maintaining mental and physical health during the holidays, sharing insights on how unhealthy eating habits can exacerbate stress and anxiety.
Reflecting on the significance of those who have positively impacted our lives, Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn underscore the value of honoring loved ones, creating meaningful holiday rituals, and cherishing connections. They encourage listeners to embrace the holidays as a time for intentional connection, compassion, and even reconciliation, emphasizing that forgiveness and small acts of kindness can bring warmth and joy to both giver and receiver.
 
 

Bridging the Divide: How Seeing Each Other Can Heal Relationships (Episode #39)

Bridging the Divide:
How Seeing Each Other Can Heal Relationships
n this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis dive into the timely topic of conflict, both on the political stage and in personal relationships. As election season stirs emotions and divides deepen, they explore how viewing others with empathy, even in times of disagreement, can open doors to meaningful connection. Reflecting on the human tendency to see others as "they" rather than recognizing them as individuals with unique stories and struggles, Dr. Skinner shares insights on the importance of civil discourse and the healing power of truly seeing each other. With examples from their lives and professional experiences, they discuss tools for navigating conflict in a way that fosters understanding, compassion, and ultimately intimacy. This episode encourages listeners to embrace the multifaceted nature of people around them, whether at home, in politics, or in society at large.

Unlearning: Breaking Patterns That Prevent Us from Connection and Intimacy (Episode #38)

Unlearning: Breaking Patterns
That Prevent Us from Connection and Intimacy
Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis discuss breaking subconscious patterns that prevent true connection. MaryAnn’s story about reconnecting with her neighbors serves as a reminder of the power of intentional actions to foster intimacy and reduce isolation. Through examples and references, they offer tools to identify, unlearn, and reshape habits that hinder connection, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, purpose, and supportive accountability.
Outline and Resources:
1. Understanding Patterns and the Need for Change   - Resource: Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Dr. Joe Dispenza — Dr. Dispenza’s work on how to consciously rewire automatic behaviors through intentional change.
2. Steps for Effective Change: Identify, Act, Evaluate     - Resource: The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg — The concept of keystone habits that catalyze broader changes in life.
3. Tools for Change and Resilience Building     - Habit Stacking: Introducing small, progressive changes that build into lasting habits.   - Window of Tolerance by Dr. Dan Siegel — Expanding resilience by gradually increasing what one can comfortably handle.   - Resource: Dr. Carol Dweck’s Mindset — Encourages adopting a growth mindset to embrace change and overcome limiting beliefs.
4. Conflict Patterns in Relationships     - Resource: Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson — On recognizing and disrupting the “dance” of recurring conflict patterns in relationships.
5. Creating a Supportive Community and Accountability     - Flubbing (phone snubbing) — Discussed as an example of behaviors that limit presence and connection.   - Invitation to Identify One Desired Change — An exercise for listeners to set an actionable goal.
6. Introducing the "Change 2.0" Course   - Dr. Skinner’s upcoming course offering structured support for individuals, couples, and families to create lasting change.

Breaking the Silence: Addressing Abuse as a Barrier to Human Intimacy (Episode #37)

Breaking the Silence: Addressing Abuse as a Barrier to Human Intimacy
In this powerful episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis tackle one of the most difficult topics in relationships—abuse in its various forms. They explore how abuse, whether emotional, verbal, physical, psychological, or financial, acts as a significant barrier to human intimacy. The conversation delves into why people may minimize or avoid labeling abusive behaviors and emphasizes the importance of recognizing these patterns for relationship healing. Both hosts offer practical insights, real-life examples, and resources for individuals who may be experiencing abuse or engaging in harmful behaviors. The episode also touches on the psychological impact of abuse, such as gaslighting, and the challenges of breaking free from abusive cycles.
Key Points:
1. Understanding Abuse in Relationships:   - Abuse, in any form, erodes the foundation of intimacy in relationships.   - Many individuals struggle to recognize or label abusive behaviors due to shame, fear of change, or minimizing their partner’s actions.   - Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, financial, sexual, spiritual, or psychological, each contributing to significant harm in different ways.
2. The Cycle of Abuse:
   - Dr. Skinner describes the cycle of abuse, where abusers often promise change after an incident, leading to a temporary honeymoon period before the cycle repeats.   - Individuals in abusive relationships often hope for the abuser's love or change, making it hard to leave.
3. The Role of Gaslighting:
   - Psychological abuse, particularly gaslighting, is highlighted as one of the most insidious forms of manipulation.   - Gaslighting leads individuals to doubt their perceptions of reality, increasing trauma and emotional distress.   - The episode discusses how gaslighting is linked to elevated PTSD symptoms in betrayed partners.
4. Red Flags in Relationships:
   - Common signs of abuse include control, manipulation, isolation, and secrecy.    - "Sequestering," or preventing a partner from interacting with others, is a deep form of manipulation that limits support and reality checks.
5. Hope and Healing:   - Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn emphasize that change is possible through acknowledgment and treatment. Both victims and abusers can benefit from support systems and professional intervention.   - Resources such as support groups, therapy, and hotlines are crucial for those in abusive situations.
Resources Discussed:
1. National Domestic Violence Hotline:     - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)     - Provides support for individuals experiencing domestic violence.
2. Books:   - Facing Codependency by Pia Melody: Discusses codependency and abuse in relationships.   - The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes: Focuses on trauma bonds in abusive relationships.   - The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays: Explores betrayal trauma and its connection to gaslighting and emotional abuse.
3. Therapeutic Approaches:   - Addressing the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in relationships—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (based on John Gottman’s work).   - Developing strategies to manage anger and prevent abusive

When We Freeze: Understanding and Healing from Traumatic Shutdowns (Episode #36)

When We Freeze: Understanding and Healing from Traumatic Shutdowns
In this episode, MaryAnn Michaelis and Dr. Kevin Skinner discuss the profound impact of freezing as a response to trauma. They explore how life events, particularly those involving emotional or physical trauma, can leave individuals stuck, carrying the weight of unresolved experiences for decades. This discussion highlights how freezing, more than fight or flight, can be especially traumatizing, as it leaves the individual feeling helpless or numb. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn delve into the psychological and somatic aspects of freezing, emphasizing the importance of creating a safe environment for healing and the steps necessary to get unstuck.
Key Concepts Discussed:1. The Freeze Response – A natural reaction to overwhelming events that can leave people stuck emotionally and physically.2. Somatic Experience – How trauma manifests in the body, drawing on the works of Peter Levine and Pat Ogden.3. Traumatic Reenactment – The concept that individuals may unconsciously seek to resolve past trauma by repeating harmful patterns.4. Neuroplasticity and Action – Insights from neuroscience that emphasize taking action as a way to create new neural pathways and move forward from trauma.5. Polyvagal Theory – Understanding the autonomic nervous system's role in traumatic responses, particularly the dorsal vagal shutdown, and its impact on emotional regulation.6. Hope and Healing – The concept that learned helplessness can be unlearned, fostering hope and creating new possibilities for recovery.
Resources Discussed:
1. Books:     - In an Unspoken Voice by Dr. Peter Levine     - The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk     - Hope Circuit by Dr. Martin Seligman     - Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Deb Dana
2. Therapeutic Techniques:     - EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)     - ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy)     - Somatic experience exercises to release trauma stored in the body.
3. Tools for Self-Regulation:     - Creating a list of actions to take when feeling stuck (e.g., listening to music, breathing exercises, journaling).     - Co-regulation by reaching out to trusted individuals for support during moments of freeze.
Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own experiences with freezing, consider professional support, and take small steps toward action and healing.

Breaking Through Barriers: How to Create Lasting Change in Life and Relationships (Podcast #35)

Breaking Through Barriers:
How to Create Lasting Change in Life and
In this solo episode of The Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner shares insights into the change process, drawn from his experiences as a therapist. He addresses common questions such as, "Why can't I change?" and "Why is this so hard?" and explores why we often feel stuck in life and relationships. Dr. Skinner outlines the four core elements we can change—thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs—offering practical strategies for creating lasting change. He shares a personal story about overcoming health challenges, emphasizing the importance of preparation, unlearning negative patterns, and adopting new habits. Through concepts like habit stacking and accountability, he provides actionable steps for listeners to create breakthroughs in their personal and relational lives. Dr. Skinner also introduces his Change 2.0 course, encouraging listeners to join him in a transformative journey to start the new year with purpose and clear goals.
Resources Discussed in This Episode:
1. Change 2.0 Course: Dr. Skinner’s online course designed for individuals, couples, and families looking to create sustainable, positive changes in their lives. The course includes goal setting, habit formation, and accountability to foster lasting growth.     - Start date: November 2024 (with preparatory sessions in November and December).     - Location: [Human Intimacy Change 2.0 Course](https://www.humanintimacy.com/course/change-together).
2. Habit Stacking: A strategy where you build new habits by attaching them to existing positive habits. For example, listening to audiobooks while walking, or flossing right after brushing your teeth.
3. Accountability: Emphasizing the importance of sharing your goals with others—such as family members or in group settings like 12-step programs—to increase your likelihood of success.
4. Journaling and SMART Goals: Tools to increase awareness of your progress and create clear, actionable plans. SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) help you stay focused and on track.
5. Recommended Green Smoothie Recipe:     - Ingredients: Spinach, half a banana, frozen mango.     - Benefits: Dr. Skinner's favorite healthy breakfast option to fuel positive physical change.
6. Wendy's Apple Pecan Salad: One of Dr. Skinner’s go-to meals for maintaining a healthy diet while creating change in his life.
Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own change journey, considering what they need to unlearn, how to implement new behaviors, and the importance of changing core beliefs to sustain long-term progress.

Navigating the Early Stages of Sexual Betrayal Trauma: Understanding, Healing, and Support (Podcast #34)

Navigating the Early Stages of Sexual Betrayal Trauma: Understanding, Healing, and Support
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and his colleague MaryAnn Michaelis delve into the emotional and psychological impacts that arise immediately after discovering a partner's sexual betrayal. The conversation centers on the shock and disorientation many betrayed partners experience, and the varied ways they respond—either by isolating themselves or sharing their pain publicly.
Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn emphasize the importance of recognizing and addressing betrayal trauma, providing validation for those suffering from overwhelming emotions such as confusion, anxiety, and shame. They share insights from personal experiences, research, and clinical practices, highlighting the significance of qualified therapeutic support and proper disclosure processes.
Key strategies for coping include gathering information, orienting oneself to the new reality, setting boundaries, and seeking trauma-informed therapy and support groups. Dr. Skinner also introduces the 100 Days to Healing course, designed to provide education, validation, and practical steps toward recovery from betrayal trauma.
Resources Mentioned:
Books:
Opening Up by Dr. James Pennebaker (on the effects of keeping trauma and stories hidden)What Can I Do About Me? by Rhyll Croshaw (on navigating the shame and isolation caused by sexual addiction and betrayal)The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes (on understanding and healing from betrayal trauma)Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner (on healing from the trauma caused by sexual betrayal)2. Therapeutic Tools:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy)** (trauma-focused treatments for PTSD symptoms)
Disclosure Process: Properly addressing the details of the betrayal with professional guidance to avoid staggered disclosures and foster healing.
Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) and Certified Partner Trauma Therapists (CPTT): Recommended professionals for working through sexual betrayal trauma.
3. Courses and Support:
100 Days to Healing Course (available at humanintimacy.com): A video-based course offering education and strategies to cope with betrayal trauma.
Support Groups: Highlighted as critical for connecting with others who have experienced betrayal, offering validation, resources, and a sense of community.
4. Podcast Contact:  
Email: Questions@humanintimacy.com (for listener advice and sharing experiences).

The Art of Confession: Letting Go of Secrets and Healing Relationships (Episode #33)

In this episode of The Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and his colleague MaryAnn Michaelis explore the concept of confession as a means of healing relationships and releasing personal burdens. They discuss how fear, shame, and secrecy can create emotional and physiological stress, often leading to isolation. By sharing deeply held secrets and engaging in radical honesty, individuals can experience relief, connection, and personal growth.
The conversation emphasizes the importance of being vulnerable and honest in relationships while acknowledging the complexities and need for thoughtful preparation, particularly in situations of betrayal. They highlight the benefits of confession for emotional healing, how it can improve physiological well-being, and its potential to strengthen relationships. Both hosts stress the importance of creating a safe, empathetic space for such disclosures, cautioning against impulsive revelations that could cause further harm.
The episode concludes with practical advice for listeners on how to approach confession, emphasizing that true healing comes when individuals are willing to be fully seen and supported.
Resources Discussed
Here is a list of resources discussed in the podcast:
1. Dr. James Pennebaker's Book – Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions   - This book explores how disclosing emotional experiences can improve mental and physical health.
2. Brené Brown’s Work on Shame and Vulnerability   - Referenced for her concept of shame thriving in secrecy, silence, and judgment, and how the antidote is vulnerability and openness.
3. Anna Lembke’s Book – Dopamine Nation   - Mentioned for insights on radical honesty and its role in promoting self-awareness, improving emotional regulation, and fostering intimate human connections.
4. Gavin de Becker’s Book – The Gift of Fear   - Referenced for his concept that fear evolves and shifts as we face it, helping to break down barriers of fear in relationships.
5. HumanIntimacy.com   - Hosts Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaelis mentioned their website, which provides free resources, past webinars, and additional tools on intimacy and relationship healing.
These resources offer further reading on vulnerability, shame, honesty, and their impact on healing and relationships.

The Power of Being Seen: Cultivating Connection and Attunement in Relationships (Episode #32)

The Power of Being Seen:
Cultivating Connection and Attunement in Relationships
In this episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the importance of being "seen" and "felt" in relationships. They discuss how modern life often hinders deep connection and emphasize the need for self-awareness and attunement to others' emotions. Using stories and insights from experts like Dan Siegel, they highlight how to genuinely connect through eye contact, active listening, and emotional presence. The episode concludes with an assignment for listeners to practice tuning into others, fostering deeper relationships in the process.
Key Concepts Discussed:
- Discusses the impact of modern technology on human connection and the desire to be "seen."- Explores Dan Siegel's concept of making others "feel felt" and its importance in relationships.- Shares personal stories to illustrate the challenges and rewards of being present and attuned to others.- Emphasizes self-awareness as a prerequisite for meaningful connection with others.- Introduces tools like body scanning and reflective questioning to help identify personal emotions and needs.- Provides an assignment for listeners to actively practice attunement with others and share their experiences.
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