The Human Intimacy Podcast

Affair, Addiction, or Something More? Understanding the Story Behind Sexual Betrayal
Summary
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most confusing and emotionally overwhelming questions couples face after betrayal: Was this “just” an affair, or is there something deeper happening?
Together, they discuss the critical importance of understanding the full story behind sexual betrayal before attempting relationship repair. The conversation explores the differences between infidelity, compulsive sexual behavior, pornography addiction, emotional affairs, and trauma-driven patterns, while emphasizing why proper assessment and professional support are often essential.
Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn explain how secrecy, deception, and incomplete information impact the betrayed partner’s nervous system, often leading to anxiety, hypervigilance, and worst-case-scenario thinking. They also discuss why premature couples therapy can sometimes do more harm than good when active betrayal or addiction is still occurring.
Additional topics include:
The progression of sexual behaviors
Sexual history timelines and formal disclosures
Trauma reenactment and attachment wounds
The Zeigarnik Effect and unresolved emotional pain
The impact of pornography and online sexual behaviors
Why understanding the roots of behavior matters for healing
How assessment tools help therapists identify deeper patterns
This episode offers compassionate guidance for individuals and couples trying to make sense of betrayal, while reminding listeners that healing becomes possible when the full story is brought into the light.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) Directory
IITAP (International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals)
SexHelp Therapist Directory
Topics Discussed
Sexual History Timelines
Formal Therapeutic Disclosure
Emotional Restitution Letters
Betrayal Trauma
The Zeigarnik Effect
Trauma Reenactment
Attachment Injuries
Stabilization Before Couples Therapy
Sexual Dependency Inventory (SDI)
Sexual Digital Media Inventory (SDMI)
Additional Human Intimacy Resources
Human Intimacy
Dr. Kevin Skinner

Confident Conversations: Teaching Children Healthy Intimacy, Connection, and Emotional Safety
(with Dan Oakes)
Summary
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner sits down with Dan Oakes to discuss parenting, healthy sexuality, emotional connection, and prevention in today’s digital culture. Dan shares insights from his new book, Confident Conversations: Teaching Your Children to Develop Healthy Intimacy, which helps parents navigate difficult but essential conversations about sexuality, intimacy, attachment, and emotional regulation.
Together, they explore how many parents feel uncomfortable discussing sexuality because they themselves were never taught how to approach these conversations in healthy, emotionally connected ways. The discussion reframes sexuality not as something shameful, but as a normal human drive connected to attachment, connection, and emotional intimacy.
Dan explains how shame becomes attached to core human urges and how this can create cycles of restriction, secrecy, binge behaviors, anxiety, and compulsive pornography use. Using relatable metaphors and attachment-based principles, the conversation highlights the importance of replacing shame with openness, emotional safety, and co-regulation.
The episode also explores:
the connection between shame and anxiety,
how pornography functions as a “supernormal stimulus,”
why novelty and dopamine influence compulsive behaviors,
the importance of emotional connection in prevention,
and how parents can build trust and emotional safety with their children.
Dan shares five foundational parenting principles from his book:
Build trust above all else
Protect the home environment
Teach progressive developmental facts early
Model healthy affection
Respond with calm rather than fear or shame
Throughout the conversation, Dr. Skinner and Dan emphasize that prevention begins with connection, emotional safety, and courageous conversations. The episode offers practical guidance for parents, grandparents, therapists, and educators seeking to help children develop healthy intimacy, emotional resilience, and meaningful human connection in a highly digital world.
Resources & References Mentioned
Book
Confident Conversations: Teaching Your Children to Develop Healthy Intimacy — Dan Oakes
Researchers & Concepts
Sue Johnson — attachment and emotional responsiveness
Niko Tinbergen — supernormal stimulus theory
Co-regulation and auto-regulation research
Attachment and emotional bonding principles
Novelty, dopamine, and compulsive behavior research
Shame cycles and compulsive sexual behavior patterns
Key Topics Discussed
Parenting and healthy sexuality
Shame versus healthy sexual development
Emotional regulation and attachment
Pornography and supernormal stimuli
Anxiety, shame, and compulsive behaviors
Co-regulation and self-regulation
Human intimacy and emotional connection
Prevention strategies for pornography addiction
Building trust with children
Healthy affection and attachment
Digital culture and emotional isolation
Emotional safety in families

Emotional Safety After Betrayal: Understanding Emotions, Trauma, and Relationship Healing
Podcast Summary
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the connection between emotional safety, betrayal trauma, emotional regulation, and relationship healing after infidelity or sexual betrayal.
Many individuals struggling with betrayal trauma, anxiety, emotional disconnection, or relationship conflict often suppress their true emotions by saying “I’m fine” while internally feeling overwhelmed, hurt, angry, anxious, or emotionally exhausted. In this conversation, Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn discuss why emotional honesty and emotional congruency are essential for rebuilding trust, emotional intimacy, and healthy communication in relationships.
The episode examines how shame, emotional shutdown, avoidance, and trauma responses interfere with connection and healing. Listeners will also learn about emotional contagion, nervous system regulation, co-regulation, and the importance of creating emotionally safe relationships where both partners can openly express their feelings without fear of judgment, defensiveness, or rejection.
Topics discussed include:
Betrayal trauma recovery
Healing after infidelity
Emotional regulation in relationships
Relationship communication skills
Emotional safety and trust rebuilding
PTSD symptoms after betrayal
Emotional disconnection in marriage
Co-regulation and nervous system healing
Shame and emotional shutdown
Understanding contradictory emotions after betrayal
Emotional intelligence and self-awareness
How unresolved emotions impact intimacy and connection
Whether you are recovering from betrayal trauma, struggling with emotional intimacy, or trying to strengthen communication in your relationship, this episode provides practical insights into understanding emotions, rebuilding trust, and creating deeper human connection.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel GolemanA foundational book on emotional awareness, emotional regulation, empathy, and developing healthier relationship skills.
The Choice by Edith EgerDiscusses emotional healing, resilience, trauma recovery, and understanding core emotional experiences.
The work of Brené BrownEspecially her research on vulnerability, shame, emotional connection, and authentic relationships.
Stephen Porges and Polyvagal TheoryUnderstanding nervous system regulation, emotional safety, co-regulation, and trauma responses in relationships.
Thich Nhat HanhReferenced for his teachings on deep listening, mindfulness, emotional presence, and compassionate communication.
Al SiebertConcepts on resiliency, emotional flexibility, and the “both/and” approach to emotional experiences.
The Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) CourseA structured framework designed to help couples heal from betrayal trauma, rebuild emotional safety, improve communication, and strengthen intimacy.
Human Intimacy Resources and CoursesHuman Intimacy
Additional Resources for Betrayal Trauma & Relationship Healing
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel HellerUnderstanding attachment styles, emotional needs, and relationship dynamics.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der KolkA leading resource on trauma, nervous system responses, emotional regulation, and healing.
Hold Me Tight by Sue JohnsonA guide to emotional bonding, attachment, and strengthening relationships after emotional injuries.
Addo Therapy & Recovery ResourcesTherapy, betrayal trauma recovery support, couples counseling, anxiety treatment, mindfulness resources, and emotional healing support.

Sex After Betrayal: Navigating Sexuality, Safety, and Connection
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaelis explore one of the most confusing and emotionally charged topics couples face after betrayal: sexuality after discovery. Why do some couples stop having sex entirely while others become more sexual after betrayal? What does it mean if a betrayed partner still desires intimacy? And how do couples navigate sexuality in ways that are emotionally safe and healthy?
Together, they discuss the impact betrayal has on sexual desire, emotional bonding, pornography, hypersexuality, shame, and the confusion many individuals feel surrounding intimacy after discovery. The conversation introduces the concept of “sexual self-mastery” and emphasizes the importance of awareness, communication, emotional safety, and intentionality in rebuilding intimacy. This episode offers compassionate guidance for individuals and couples trying to better understand their sexuality, emotions, and relationship dynamics during recovery and healing.
Resources Mentioned
The Betrayal Bond by Patrick Carnes
Sensate-focused therapy concepts
Sexual self-mastery
Emotional regulation and communication skills
Pornography and relational intimacy research
HumanIntimacy.com

Why Can’t I Stop Thinking About the Affair? Understanding Rumination, Triggers, and Healing After Betrayal
In this important episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most common and painful questions after betrayal: “Why can’t I stop thinking about it?”
Together, they unpack the neuroscience and emotional reality behind rumination, intrusive thoughts, PTSD responses, triggers, and nervous system dysregulation after sexual betrayal and affairs. The conversation helps both betrayed and betraying partners understand why the mind and body struggle to “move on,” even when logic says the relationship may be improving.
Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn discuss how betrayal disrupts safety, attachment, and reality itself, often leaving the betrayed partner feeling emotionally flooded, hypervigilant, and stuck in repetitive thoughts. They also explain how healing requires more than simply stopping behaviors—it involves nervous system regulation, emotional attunement, compassion, consistency, and deeper relational repair.
Listeners will also learn practical tools for responding to triggers, including grounding exercises, journaling, movement-based trauma release, self-attunement, parts work, emotional regulation, and therapeutic approaches such as EMDR and ART.
This episode offers hope, validation, and practical guidance for anyone struggling with intrusive thoughts after betrayal trauma.
Key Topics Covered
Why betrayed partners experience rumination and intrusive thoughts
PTSD and betrayal trauma responses
The difference between logical understanding and nervous system safety
Why triggers continue even after behavior stops
Emotional flooding and nervous system dysregulation
How betraying partners can respond in healing ways
Self-compassion and trauma recovery
Tools for emotional regulation and trauma release
Parts work and self-attunement
EMDR, ART, and trauma-informed healing approaches
Recovery capital and building support systems
Resources Mentioned
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
Brené Brown – research on exhaustion and uncertainty
Jill Bolte Taylor – emotional processing concepts
Calming the Emotional Storm by Sheri Van Dijk
EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy)
Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges
Internal Parts Work / Self-Attunement Approaches
Recovery Capital framework
Human Intimacy Podcast episode on Empathy vs. Compassion
Upcoming Course
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) — 12 Week Course
Join Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis for the upcoming Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) course beginning May 7th.
The course is designed to help couples heal from betrayal trauma through a structured process focused on:
Safety
Emotional regulation
Accountability
How to measure and create relational repair
Compassion
Rebuilding intimacy
Learn More & Register:
The Intimacy Repair Method (12-Week Online Course)
 

Crucial Moments: How Couples Can Navigate Triggers Without Destroying Connection
Episode Overview
What happens when a trigger hits in your relationship—and everything escalates?
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis break down what they call “crucial moments”—those intense emotional experiences where couples either move toward healing or fall back into painful patterns.
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in the same argument, feeling unheard, or overwhelmed by emotional reactions, this episode will help you understand why those patterns happen—and how to change them.
Why Triggers Feel So Overwhelming
When a trigger hits, your brain shifts into survival mode. The amygdala activates, your nervous system becomes dysregulated, and your ability to communicate effectively drops.
This is why:
Conversations escalate quickly
You repeat the same arguments
You feel misunderstood or dismissed
Your partner becomes defensive or shuts down
Key Insight:You cannot create connection when your body is in a fight-or-flight state.
The Missing Step in Relationship Repair
Most couples try to fix the relationship while they’re emotionally flooded.
Dr. Skinner emphasizes a critical principle:
Stabilize yourself first. Then engage your partner.
Without emotional regulation, even the best communication tools won’t work.
Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict
Many couples unknowingly reinforce disconnection during triggers. Watch for these patterns:
1. Marathon Conversations
Trying to resolve everything in one conversation while both partners are overwhelmed
2. Defensiveness Disguised as Empathy
Statements like:
“I didn’t mean to hurt you”
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
These often feel minimizing instead of supportive
3. Relying Only on Your Partner for Regulation
Expecting your partner to calm you down when they may also be triggered
4. Repeating the Same Cycle
Having the same argument over and over without new tools or awareness
How to Respond in Triggered Moments (What Actually Works)
1. Pause and Regulate
Before responding, ask yourself:
Am I emotionally stable right now?
Is my body calm enough to have this conversation?
If not, step away and regulate first.
2. Use Outside Support
Sometimes your partner is not the right person in that moment to help you regulate.
Consider:
A trusted friend
A support group
A mentor or sponsor
This can help you return to the conversation with clarity.
3. Shift from Reactivity to Curiosity
Instead of reacting, try:
“Help me understand what you’re experiencing”
“Tell me more about what you’re feeling”
This lowers defensiveness and builds connection.
4. Take Responsibility for Your Emotional Response
Your emotions are valid—but how you express them matters.
Healthy communication includes:
Emotional honesty
Self-awareness
Respectful expression
Understanding the Power Struggle in Relationships
After betrayal or disconnection, couples often fall into power imbalances:
One partner holds information or control
The other feels uncertain, hurt, or reactive
True healing requires moving away from:
“One-up / one-down” dynamics
And toward:
Mutual honesty, vulnerability, and accountability
Why Some Couples Stay Stuck for Years
If you feel like you’re not making progress, it’s often due to:
Incomplete or staggered disclosure
Lack of emotional regulation skills
Repeating patterns without addressing root issues
Avoiding deeper vulnerability
Key Insight:Without new skills, the same patterns will continue—no matter how much you talk.
A Better Way Forward
Healing doesn’t come from saying more—it comes from learning how to show up differently.
That includes:
Regulating your nervous system
Communicating with clarity and compassion
Practicing new patterns consistently
Building emotional safety over time
Key Takeaways
You cannot be relational when you are emotionally dysregulated
Personal stabilization is the foundation of relationship repair
Triggers require skillful responses, not reactive ones
Both partners play a role in creating change
Progress comes from practice, not just insight
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) Course
Emotional Regulation & Nervous System Awareness
Structured Disclosure Process
Role Play Practice for Communication Skills
Call to Action
If your relationship feels stuck in repetitive conflict, you don’t have to keep guessing.
The Intimacy Repair Method Course provides a step-by-step process to help couples:
Rebuild trust
Improve communication
Create lasting emotional connection
📩 Have questions or topics you’d like us to cover?Email: info@humanintimacy.com
 

How Do You Know You’re Making Progress After Betrayal? Understanding Safety, Awareness, and Real Change
In this episode of The Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn explore one of the most common—and emotionally loaded—questions couples ask after betrayal: *“How do we know if we’re actually making progress?”*
Healing doesn’t follow a straight line. Many couples feel stuck in a painful cycle of “two steps forward, three steps back,” leaving them wondering if anything is truly changing. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn break down what real progress looks like—not through checklists or surface behaviors, but through a deeper, more meaningful shift: **perceived relational safety**.
They discuss how the body plays a central role in detecting safety through what is often called a “gut feeling,” drawing on concepts like neuroception from Stephen Porges. Listeners will learn why healing requires more than logical reassurance—and why the nervous system must begin to *feel* safe before true connection can return.
Through a powerful role-play, they demonstrate the difference between reactive, defensive conversations and regulated, productive ones. This real-life example highlights how self-awareness, emotional regulation, and vulnerability can transform conflict into connection.
They also address:
Why some betrayed partners struggle to trust even when their partner is “doing everything right”
The impact of shock versus gradual awareness in discovery
How deception can distort one’s internal sense of safety
Why stabilization must come before meaningful repair
How consistency—not perfection—builds trust over time
Ultimately, progress is not measured by the absence of conflict, but by how couples navigate it. When both partners develop awareness of their internal experiences and learn to communicate those experiences safely, healing becomes not only possible—but measurable.
If you’ve ever questioned whether your relationship is moving forward, this episode offers clarity, validation, and a roadmap for what real progress actually looks like.
Key Resources & Mentions
The Intimacy Repair Method (IRM)  A structured approach to healing after betrayal, focusing on safety, stabilization, and rebuilding connection.
Perceived Relational Safety Scale (PRSS)  A practical assessment tool to help individuals and couples measure how safe they feel in the relationship and track progress over time.
Polyvagal Theory & Neuroception – Polyvagal Theory  Developed by Stephen Porges, this framework explains how the nervous system detects safety or threat and influences connection and emotional regulation.
HumanIntimacy.com
  Access courses, assessments, and resources to support healing and relationship repair.
12-Week Intimacy Repair Course 
A guided program with role-plays, assessments, and step-by-step instruction to help couples rebuild trust and connection.
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Key Takeaway
Progress isn’t about doing everything perfectly—it’s about creating consistent, safe, and honest interactions where both partners can begin to feel, not just think, that change is happening.

Introducing the Intimacy Repair Method: A New Path to Healing, Connection, and Lasting Change
What if the reason your relationship feels stuck isn’t a lack of effort—but a lack of a clear model for connection?
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner (LMFT-S) and MaryAnne Michaelis, LCSW introduce the Intimacy Repair Method (IRM)—a comprehensive, research-informed framework designed to help individuals and couples rebuild trust, improve communication, and create deeper emotional connection.
Drawing from decades of clinical experience and integrating leading models like Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Polyvagal Theory, Dr. Skinner explains why most people were never taught how to build healthy relationships—and how that gap continues to impact us today.
You’ll learn:
Why most people rate their relationship models growing up below a 5 out of 10
The foundational role of safety in all meaningful connection
How generational patterns shape communication, conflict, and intimacy
The phases of the Intimacy Repair Method, including assessment, stabilization, and relational repair
Why understanding your nervous system responses is key to transforming conflict
How personalized assessments can guide real, measurable change in your relationship
Whether you’ve experienced betrayal, feel disconnected, or simply want a stronger relationship, this episode offers a clear roadmap forward.
Resources Mentioned
Core Resources
Human Intimacy Website (Course + Registration):https://www.humanintimacy.com
Upcoming Course:Intimacy Repair Method – 12-Week Live Webinar Experience
Start Date: May 7, 2026
Includes:
Personalized relationship assessments
Weekly live Q&A sessions
Role-play practice scenarios
Ongoing access to recordings and materials
Key Concepts & Models Referenced
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) – A structured pathway for relational healing and growth
Perceived Relational Safety – Feeling emotionally safe, open, and secure in your relationship
Polyvagal Theory – Understanding how your nervous system drives connection, conflict, and safety
Gottman Method – Research-based insights on communication and conflict patterns
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – Attachment-based approach to strengthening emotional bonds
Zeigarnik Effect – How unresolved issues keep relationships stuck
Differentiation – Developing a strong sense of self while staying connected in relationships
Assessments Mentioned
Self-Assessment (Individual Awareness)
“Test Your Relationship” Assessment
Provides up to 90 pages of personalized feedback
Identifies strengths, breakdowns, and actionable next steps
Key Takeaway
Most people aren’t failing in relationships because they don’t care—they’re struggling because they were never shown how to succeed. The Intimacy Repair Method offers a clear, structured way to learn what works—and finally create the connection you’ve been looking for.
 

 Hope After Betrayal: Is Healing Your Relationship Still Possible?
After betrayal, many couples quietly wonder: Is there any real hope for us?
In this powerful episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore what hope actually looks like in the aftermath of sexual betrayal—and why so many people struggle to find it.
Drawing from decades of clinical experience, they discuss the reality behind discouraging statistics, the isolation many betrayed partners feel, and why healing often requires more than just good intentions. They introduce a critical shift: hope is not built through words alone, but through new patterns, emotional regulation, and learning how to stay present in the hardest moments.
You’ll also hear:
Why many couples stay stuck in repeating emotional “loops”
How shame and defensiveness block true repair
The danger of trying to heal in isolation—or relying on the wrong sources
What actually creates change: principles, skills, and consistent application
Why healing is possible—even if the relationship doesn’t survive
Whether you’re fighting for your relationship or trying to rebuild your life after it, this episode offers a grounded, honest message:
👉 Hope is real—but it’s built through learning, practice, and connection.

The Courage to Heal: Facing Pain, Shame, and Change Together
Episode Summary
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and Marianne Michaelis explore the many forms of courage required in the healing process—both individually and as a couple.
Courage is not just about staying in a relationship after betrayal. It’s about facing pain, telling the truth, asking for help, and being willing to see yourself clearly. It’s the courage to slow down when emotions are overwhelming, to remain present in difficult conversations, and to confront shame rather than avoid it.
Dr. Skinner and Marianne highlight how healing is not just emotional—it is deeply biological. When individuals feel shame or fear, their nervous system becomes activated, making it difficult to stay grounded and connected. True courage, then, is learning how to regulate those internal responses so that meaningful repair can happen.
Through powerful metaphors—including riding through dark tunnels, wearing the wrong “lens,” and learning to ride a backwards bike—they illustrate how healing requires patience, intentionality, and repeated effort. Change often feels unnatural at first, but with practice, new patterns can emerge.
Ultimately, this episode invites listeners to reflect on one essential question:
Where do I need courage right now?
Healing is not about perfection—it’s about continuing forward, even when the path is unclear.
 
Key Takeaways
Healing from betrayal requires multiple forms of courage—not just endurance, but self-awareness and vulnerability
Shame is both emotional and physiological; regulation must come before meaningful connection
Slowing down is sometimes more courageous than pushing forward
Change feels unnatural at first—like using your non-dominant hand or riding a backwards bike
Progress happens through repetition, curiosity, and compassionate self-reflection
Each person’s pace is different—comparison can disrupt healing
Resources & References
Human Intimacy Resources
Human Intimacy Website (Courses & Conference Access):https://www.humanintimacy.com
2026 Human Intimacy Conference (Recordings Available):Available under “Courses” after creating a free account
Contact for Questions:info@humanintimacy.com
Concepts & Influences Mentioned
Intimacy Repair Method (IRM) – Dr. Kevin Skinner
Polyvagal Theory – Dr. Stephen Porges
Shame & Vulnerability Research – Brené Brown
Interpersonal Neurobiology – Dr. Dan Siegel
EMDR & Trauma Processing Models
Suggested Viewing
The Backwards Brain Bicycle (Learning & Change):A powerful illustration of how difficult it is to rewire learned patterns
Reflection Questions for Listeners
Where in my life do I need courage right now?
What am I avoiding because it feels uncomfortable or overwhelming?
When I feel triggered or flooded, how do I typically respond?
What would it look like to slow down instead of react?
Where have I already demonstrated courage in my healing journey?