The Human Intimacy Podcast

The Transformative Power of Gratitude: How Noticing the “Why” Deepens Connection (Episode #94)

The Transformative Power of Gratitude: How Noticing the “Why” Deepens Connection
In this Thanksgiving-week episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the healing power of gratitude—both in everyday life and in relationships. What begins as a simple conversation about what they’re grateful for quickly deepens into an exploration of why certain people, moments, and memories hold meaning. Drawing on the work of Dr. Martin Seligman, Dr. Skinner emphasizes that identifying the “why” behind our gratitude—not just naming the object of it—creates a more emotionally rich and neurologically uplifting experience.
MaryAnn highlights the reality that family can be both a source of deep gratitude and profound pain. For those who lack supportive family relationships, they offer practical ways to find gratitude in mentors, ancestors, teachers, or meaningful communities—the “tribes” we discover along the way. Together, they reflect on how gratitude acts as a natural antidepressant, shifting our emotional state, reducing stress, increasing joy, and strengthening attachment bonds.
Listeners are invited to slow down, reflect on the people who have shaped them, and express gratitude in intentional, meaningful ways—especially during the holiday season. Dr. Skinner closes with a heartfelt message of appreciation for listeners, along with a reminder that practicing gratitude is one of the most powerful tools for healing, connection, and resilience.
Resources Mentioned & Related Readings
Books & Research Referenced
Martin Seligman – Flourish; research on gratitude, positive psychology, and well-being
Brené Brown – The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly (concepts of shame, worthiness, and connection)
Thich Nhat Hanh – Teachings on connection, compassion, and human interdependence
John Gottman, PhD – Research on positive sentiment override and gratitude in relationships
Robert Emmons, PhD – Leading researcher on gratitude as a psychological tool
Stephen Porges, PhD – Polyvagal Theory (connection, co-regulation, and emotional safety)
Therapeutic Concepts Referenced
Gratitude journaling
The “why” exercise from Martin Seligman
Gratitude as a natural antidepressant
Finding your tribe / community-based support
Intergenerational resources (ancestral resilience)
Practical Tools & Strategies
Write down what you are grateful for and why it matters
Gratitude lists (daily or weekly)
Expressing gratitude directly to loved ones
Identifying people from past or present who modeled love, stability, or compassion
Using gratitude to shift emotional states and reduce anxiety or depression
Human Intimacy Resources
Human Intimacy Conference 2026 (Coupon Code: Black-Friday discount mentioned in episode)
HumanIntimacy.com for courses, podcasts, and healing resources
Upcoming episodes focused on healing, connection, and relationship resilience

Seeing Our Blind Spots: Why We Make the Choices We Do (Episode #93)

Seeing Your Blind Spots:
Why We Make the Choices We Do
In this powerful and reflective episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore why people make choices that go against their values—especially in the aftermath of trauma, betrayal, and emotional flooding. Drawing from clinical experience, Internal Family Systems (IFS) language, trauma reenactment, arousal templates, and the science of human behavior, they unpack the subconscious forces that drive unwanted patterns.
The discussion highlights how “firefighter” parts act impulsively to stop emotional pain, why unresolved trauma often leads to repeated relational patterns, and how blind spots develop from both early experiences and generational learning. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn explore how shame, fear, secrecy, and lack of boundaries contribute to destructive behaviors—whether as the betrayed or the betrayer.
The heart of this episode centers on building self-awareness, humility, and character development through honest reflection. Listeners are invited to pause, examine the choices they’re making, recognize patterns that no longer serve them, and take courageous steps toward change. Whether you’re working through betrayal trauma, navigating recovery, or wanting to become a better version of yourself, this conversation offers insight, compassion, and a path forward.
Resources Mentioned & Recommended
Human Intimacy Courses
RISE: Hope and Healing After Sexual BetrayalA comprehensive online course to help betrayed partners navigate trauma, rebuild emotional safety, and understand the healing journey.
Reclaim: Healing from Pornography and Rebuilding Your LifeA structured recovery program addressing unwanted pornography use, shame cycles, and rebuilding intimacy.
Books & Frameworks Referenced
Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Richard SchwartzUnderstanding “firefighter” parts and internal protective systems.
Trauma Reenactment Concepts – Judith Herman, Bessel van der KolkInsight into repeated relational and behavioral patterns tied to past trauma.
Arousal Template Research – Dr. Kevin SkinnerClinical insights into how early sexual experiences shape adult behavior.
Character Development Approach – Inspired by Benjamin Franklin’s virtuesA model for intentional growth and self-refinement.
Additional Human Intimacy Resources
Human Intimacy Podcast Archive
HumanIntimacy.com – Articles, assessments, and healing tools
Second Annual Human Intimacy Conference – March 13–14, 2026 (registration link in show notes)

The Cost of Judgment: Seeing Ourselves and Others With Compassion (Episode #92)

The Cost of Judgment:
Seeing Ourselves and Others Through Compassion
Summary:In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the nature of judgment—how we judge ourselves, others, and the world around us. They unpack how the brain’s natural tendency to predict and protect can lead us to make judgments based on incomplete stories or past experiences. Through real-life examples, including therapy sessions and group work, they illustrate how judgment can distort perception, breed resentment, and disconnect us from others.
Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn emphasize that judgment often arises when we lack understanding of a person’s story. By shifting from judgment to curiosity—asking “What happened to you?” instead of “What’s wrong with you?”—we open space for empathy and healing. They also explore how self-judgment impacts individuals, especially betrayed partners who internalize blame, and how learning to suspend judgment fosters emotional freedom and connection.
The discussion integrates insights from Byron Katie’s “The Work” and Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey’s “What Happened to You?”, encouraging listeners to question their assumptions and replace self-condemnation with self-compassion. The episode closes with a reflective invitation: identify a situation or person you’ve judged, and ask, “What’s the story behind this thought, emotion, or behavior?”
Resources Mentioned:
The Work by Byron Katie — Four powerful questions to challenge judgments and distorted beliefs.
What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey — Exploring how understanding personal stories transforms compassion and connection.
The Betrayal Bond by Dr. Patrick Carnes — Understanding trauma bonds and how early experiences shape adult patterns and self-judgment.
Compassionate Accountability: A Field Guide to Building Connection and Trust by Dr. Nate Regier — For learning how to balance accountability with empathy.
HumanIntimacy.com — Explore upcoming courses and events, including Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal, Reclaim: Healing from Pornography and Rebuilding Your Life, and the Human Intimacy Conference (March 13–14, 2026).

Resilient Couples: How to Stay Strong Through Life’s Hardest Challenges (Episode #91)

 
Resilient Couples:
How to Stay Strong Through
Life’s Hardest Challenges
Summary:In this inspiring episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, explore what it means to build resiliency as individuals and as couples—especially in the face of life’s most difficult challenges. Drawing from personal experiences, research, and decades of clinical work, they discuss the essential components of resilience: adaptability, emotional regulation, flexibility, and hope.
The conversation delves into why emotional self-awareness is the foundation of resilient relationships, how couples can “fight well,” and what it means to create safety before deeper connection can occur. They reference experts such as Dr. Al Siebert, Dr. Dan Siegel, Dr. Stephen Porges, and Dr. Martin Seligman, offering insights into the neurobiology of resilience and the relational skills that sustain connection through adversity.
Listeners will walk away with practical strategies to strengthen their emotional core, improve communication, and cultivate hope—even in seasons of deep pain or uncertainty.
Key Takeaways:
Resiliency begins with emotional regulation and self-awareness.
Adaptability and flexibility are learned skills that sustain connection.
Safety is the foundation for relational repair after trauma.
Emotional intelligence helps us stay curious and connected rather than reactive.
Hope is a neurological process—and a critical part of healing together.
Resources Mentioned:
The Survivor Personality – Dr. Al Siebert
The Body Keeps the Score – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
Polyvagal Theory – Dr. Stephen Porges
The Whole-Brain Child & Mindsight – Dr. Dan Siegel
Emotional Intelligence – Dr. Daniel Goleman
The Hope Circuit – Dr. Martin Seligman
Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach – Dr. Kevin Skinner
HumanIntimacy.com – Courses: Companionship Course, Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal, and Reclaim: Healing from Pornography
 

Permission to Feel: Creating Safety for Emotional Intimacy (Podcast #90)

Permission to Feel:
Creating Safety for Emotional Intimacy
Episode Summary
In this powerful episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most important — and misunderstood — aspects of healing after betrayal: emotional experience and expression.
Many of us have been conditioned to suppress emotions, especially those that feel scary, overwhelming, or “unacceptable” — such as anger, fear, grief, or shame. Often, our logic steps in and says, “You shouldn’t feel that,”creating an internal shut-down that prevents emotional processing and healing.
Drawing on neuroscience, attachment theory, and therapeutic insights, Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn discuss:
Why we feel before we think — and what that means for trauma responses
The cultural discomfort with strong emotions and how this affects relationships
How betrayal trauma conditions many partners to distrust their internal emotional cues
The science of tears — and how crying releases different emotional chemicals
Jill Bolte Taylor’s “Brain Huddle” — an integrated approach to emotional awareness
How emotional safety enables true relational intimacy
Why our job is not to fix emotions, but to be with the person experiencing them
What prevents couples from sharing emotions — and how to rebuild that trust
Listeners are invited to approach their inner world with curiosity instead of judgment, give themselves permission to feel, and begin courageous conversations about how emotions are shared within their relationship.
📝 Listener Assignment
Ask your partner (or journal independently if the conversation does not feel safe yet):
“When I share emotion with you, what is it like for you?”
“When you share emotion with me, here’s what it’s like for me…”
The goal isn't to fix — but to begin understanding, witnessing, and honoring each other’s emotional worlds.
📚 References & Resources
Books & Theoretical Models
Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books.
Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
Taylor, J. B. (2021). Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice and the Four Characters That Drive Our Life.Hay House.
LeDoux, J. (1996). The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life. Simon & Schuster.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin Books.
Neuroscience Articles
LeDoux, J. (2000). Emotion circuits in the brain. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23, 155–184.
Trimble, M. R., & Pryce, C. R. (2022). Biology of tears and emotional expression. CNS Neuroscience & Therapeutics, 28(12), 1779–1789.
Related Human Intimacy Resources
Rise: Hope & Healing from Sexual Betrayal Podcast
Reclaim Podcast
The free Human Intimacy Companionship Course (includes worksheets for episodes 80–90)

When You Want Change & Your Partner Isn’t Ready (Episode #89)

When You Want Change
&
Your Partner Isn’t Ready
Summary
What happens when one partner is ready to change—but the other isn’t? In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore how couples navigate this difficult space. Drawing from the Stages of Change model, they explain how relationships often resist change to maintain balance (homeostasis), and why transformation inevitably brings discomfort.
Through live role-play, Kevin and MaryAnn demonstrate both ineffective and healthy ways to approach hard conversations—showing how to express needs, respond to defensiveness, and create safety for vulnerability. They unpack the Drama Triangle, attachment patterns, and the power of differentiation—knowing your truth while staying connected.
Listeners will learn how to prepare for meaningful dialogue, set boundaries with compassion, and build trust through accountability and follow-through.
Resources
Free Companion Worksheet: Available in the Human Intimacy Podcast Course at HumanIntimacy.com → Courses → Free Courses → Human Intimacy Podcast Companion.
Frameworks Discussed:
Stages of Change — Prochaska & DiClemente
Drama Triangle — Stephen Karpman
Attachment “Dance” — Dr. Sue Johnson
Four Horsemen — Drs. John & Julie Gottman
Differentiation — Dr. Murray Bowen
Recommended Reading:
Hold Me Tight — Sue Johnson
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman
The Dance of Anger — Harriet Lerner
The State of Affairs — Esther Perel

Stages of Change: Understanding How Real Transformation Happens (Episode #88)

Stages of Change:
Understanding How Real Transformation Happens
Summary:
In Episode 88 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the Stages of Changemodel developed by James Prochaska and his colleagues, outlined in the book Changing for Good. Together, they walk through the five stages—pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance—showing how these principles apply to both personal recovery and relationships affected by betrayal.
Dr. Skinner highlights that change rarely happens instantly; it’s often a back-and-forth process requiring awareness, preparation, and consistent effort. MaryAnn adds depth by describing how fear, shame, and uncertainty can stall progress, especially when one partner is ready to change and the other is not. The episode provides practical insights into how both betrayed partners and those seeking recovery can understand where they are in the process—and what steps will help them move forward.
Listeners will come away with a better understanding of how real, sustainable transformation unfolds and how to support themselves or their partners through the often nonlinear journey of change.
Resources Mentioned:
Book: Changing for Good by James Prochaska, John Norcross, and Carlo DiClemente
Podcast: Reclaim: Healing from Pornography and Rebuilding Your Life
Podcast: Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal
Tool: 12-Step Recovery Programs and Sponsor Support
Concepts Referenced:
The Stages of Change Model (Prochaska & DiClemente)
“Proper Preparation Prevents Pain” – on emotional readiness for change
Automaticity and habit formation (66-day model for lasting behavioral change)
Understanding relapse and stress triggers

Defining Your North Star: Understanding Core Values in Relationships (Episode #87)

Defining Your North Star: Understanding Core Values in Relationships (Episode 87)
Summary
In Episode 87 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the foundational role of core values in shaping identity, intimacy, and relational harmony. The conversation begins with reflection on gratitude and personal grounding, then transitions into how understanding one’s guiding principles—or “North Star”—influences emotional awareness, sexual decision-making, and conflict resolution.
They discuss how early family, cultural, and religious influences shape our beliefs about what’s “good” or “bad,” often leaving individuals unaware of their authentic values. MaryAnn introduces examining our internalized “shoulds” to uncover inherited rules that may no longer serve us. Dr. Skinner emphasizes that defining values is a process of personal ownership, not external expectation, and that clarity enables healthy boundaries and more honest relating.
The episode also covers what happens when partners’ values diverge—inviting curiosity, vulnerability, and respectrather than control or shutdown. Through clinical examples (anger, sexuality, secrecy), they show how self-awareness and emotional safety foster compassionate dialogue, and when persistent value gaps may signal deeper incompatibility. Takeaway: intimacy thrives when both partners pursue honest dialogue, self-reflection, and compassion, recognizing that values can evolve with growth and healing.
Resources
Show Notes & Assignments: HumanIntimacy.com/Podcast (values discovery prompts)
Books & Frameworks:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman
Hold Me Tight — Sue Johnson
The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown
Atlas of the Heart — Brené Brown
The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk
Quick Reflection Exercise
List three “should” statements guiding your choices.
Ask: Where did this belief come from? Does it fit who I want to be now?
Note how keeping vs. releasing it would affect your relationship.

From Hijacked to Healing: Navigating Triggers, Sobriety, and Repair after Sexual Betrayal (Episode #86)

From Hijacked to Healing: Navigating Triggers, Sobriety, and Repair after Sexual Betrayal
Summary
Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis break down what “being triggered” actually is—the body’s alarm system firing after a stimulus—and how it can hijack thinking and push couples into fight/flight/freeze. They map the reaction sequence (stimulus → thoughts/emotions → chemical surge → flooding) and explain why triggers can surface even years into recovery (Hebbian learning: “neurons that fire together wire together”).
You’ll learn a practical path to move from reactivity to response: (1) name the trigger (“name it to tame it”), (2) notice where it lives in your body, (3) regulate—timeout, breath, movement, journaling, nature, (4) co-regulate with a sponsor or safe person, (5) practice self-compassion instead of shame, and (6) return for a repair conversation when both are calm. They coach the betraying partner to avoid minimizing or weaponizing the trigger and to offer steady presence and comfort. The episode closes with a preview of RISE: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, a new podcast + course focused on the early stages of betrayal trauma.
Resources
Immediate Tools & Guides
4-7-8 breathing or box breathing (physiological down-regulation)
Personal “Co-Regulation Plan” (top 3 people to call/text; what to say; where to go)
Trigger Journal template (stimulus → body sensations → emotions → meaning → next right step)
Time-Out/Time-In agreements for couples (when, how, and how to re-engage)
Books & Key Concepts Mentioned
Dan Siegel — The Whole-Brain Child / “Name it to tame it” (emotion labeling)
John Gottman — “Flooding” and physiological self-soothing
Patrick Carnes — Don’t Call It Love (addiction & long-term change)
Roy Baumeister — Ego depletion/decision fatigue (why long triggered states backfire)
Francine Shapiro — EMDR (trauma processing)
Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score (body-based trauma responses)
Kristin Neff — Self-Compassion (skills for reducing shame)
Stephen Porges / Deb Dana — Polyvagal-informed regulation & co-regulation
Hebbian learning (“neurons that fire together wire together”)—why old cues retrigger
Therapeutic & Community Supports
EMDR-trained therapist; trauma- and betrayal-informed clinicians (CPTT/CSAT)
Peer support: 12-step groups (S-Anon, SA/SAA/SLAA) or therapist-led betrayal groups
Sponsor/mentor system for both partners (borrow a regulated nervous system)
Related Episodes / Programs
Human Intimacy Podcast #50 — Navigating Triggers in Public
RISE: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal — new podcast + course (early-stage betrayal trauma: triggers, PTSD responses, stabilization, and repair)

Breaking Free from Shame: How It Shapes and Strains Our Relationships (Episode #85)

Breaking Free from Shame: How It Shapes and Strains Our Relationships
Summary
In this episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, dive deep into the destructive cycle of shame and its profound impact on relationships. Shame, often rooted in early childhood experiences, can silently disconnect partners—pulling one inward while leaving the other feeling abandoned and unseen.
Together, Kevin and MaryAnn explore:
How shame manifests in the body and nervous system as an automatic protective response.
The cycle of shame between betrayed partners and those who have acted out, and why both can feel isolated and misunderstood.
The difference between guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am a mistake").
Practical steps to recognize, name, and address shame—such as identifying its origins, noticing its physical cues, and finding safe spaces to share vulnerably.
The role of vulnerability, responsibility, and self-compassion in breaking free from shame’s grip and restoring intimacy.
Listeners will walk away with a clearer understanding of how shame disconnects us from those we love, and with tools to begin shifting toward presence, confidence, and connection.
📚 Resources
Books & Research
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – A guide to embracing self-compassion and resilience.
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown – On the power of vulnerability in relationships.
Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins – Exploring emotional energy levels, including shame as the lowest.
Childhood and Society by Erik Erikson – Psychosocial developmental stages, including shame vs. initiative.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – On trauma, the nervous system, and body memory.
Therapeutic Tools
Emotional Floatback Technique – Tracing current shame responses back to earlier life experiences.
Acknowledge, Validate, Reassure (AVR) – A communication tool to reduce shame and increase connection.
Support Groups & 12-Step Programs – Safe spaces to share struggles, reduce secrecy, and experience acceptance.
Practical Applications
Notice physical shame signals (flushed cheeks, tight stomach, loss of eye contact).
Give shame a voice—safely name it out loud to lessen its power.
Replace shame with responsibility: shift from self-condemnation to ownership of mistakes.
Cultivate self-compassion: learning to sit with suffering without rejecting yourself.
Learn more @Humanintimacy.com